In recent months I have kept my
distance from the Book of Mormon, torn between the memories of power,
love, and knowledge I found it the book’s pages and the distaste left by my
recent faith journey. How does this book, the origins of which have become
more, not less, shrouded in mystery, fit into the new narrative of my life. Do
I still believe the Book of Mormon to be an actual historical account?
If I do, how do I reconcile the many historical inconsistencies and
inaccuracies? If I don’t, then does the book still hold any meaning for my
current and future spiritual life? Can I trust the product and promises of a
prophet whose infallibility in my life has shattered into pieces?
Try as I might, I cannot put these
questions to rest. Like my children, they keep me up in the night, asking to be
acknowledged, to be fed, to be comforted and held. In my soul I know that these
questions, and more, are central to my journey to claim my own Mormonism, my
own relationship with God.
Credit: Fairy
Tales by Li Zijian
As a child I was immersed in love
my mother has for the scriptures, mostly the Book of Mormon. The stories
and doctrines of the book were part of our everyday lives. I learned and
modeled that love for scripture and consider it one of the most precious gifts
my mother has given me. I was the child who, in Sunday School, always knew the
answers and could always tell the scripture stories. As I read, learned, and
grew, I developed personal relationships with the characters in the scriptures.
I loved “likening” the scriptures to my life.
I arrived at the MTC with
scriptures marked, corresponding to the missionary lessons contained in Preach
My Gospel, the missionary manual that would become like another
book of scripture to me. Through the course of my mission I read and re-read
the chapter in Preach My Gospel, “What is the Role of the Book of
Mormon?” This chapter explains how the Book of Mormon is not only a
powerful witness of Christ and an essential part of an individual's conversion,
but that it is literally ‘true’ in every sense of the word. Missionaries
challenge investigator to pray to know if the book is ‘true’ and make powerful
promises regarding the outcomes of those prayers.
In fact, the text sets up what I
now see as a spiritually precarious dichotomy with an excerpt from President
Ezra Taft Benson’s book A
Witness and a Warning: “Just as the arch crumbles if the
keystone is removed, so does all the Church stand or fall with the truthfulness
of the Book of Mormon. The enemies of the Church understand this clearly. This
is why they go to such great lengths to try to disprove the Book of Mormon, for
if it can be discredited, the Prophet Joseph Smith goes with it. So does our
claim to priesthood keys, and revelation, and the restored Church. But in like
manner, if the Book of Mormon be true—and millions have now testified that they
have the witness of the Spirit that it is indeed true—then one must accept the
claims of the Restoration and all that accompanies it”
Faced with such all or nothing
declarations from church leaders, what happens when an individual loses faith
in some basic truth claims, as I have? Must I necessarily reject everything
else about the gospel that I love? Does the whole value of the Book of Mormon
rest on its literality? I fear this is a dilemma many face today. We were
taught, as Armand Mauss explained in his book The
Angel and the Beehive, “to take a literal, proof-texting
approach to scripture study, and to believe that loyalty means blind acceptance
of whatever leaders have ever preached.” This leaves us, Brother Mauss believed,
“highly susceptible to disillusionment, either from anti-Mormon critic in other
religions or from secular sources. For people taught to think this way, each
new anomaly discovered … becomes a crisis of faith.”
As I ponder these questions of
truth and value, I am reminded of an article by President Boyd K. Packer in the
journal BYU Studies, “The Mantle is Far, Far Greater Than the
Intellect,” often used by critics to illustrate their perception of the
church’s suppression of honest inquiry. In the article President Packer shares
his belief that, “There is a temptation for the writer or the teacher of Church
history to want to tell everything, whether it is worthy or faith promoting or
not. Some things that are true are not very useful.” I have never felt
comfortable with this position as it seems to contradict other church teachings
about the supreme importance of truth in our eternal journey toward exaltation.
I have turned this idea over and over in my mind and finally settled on a
subtle but radical reordering of President Packer’s sentiment. I have to
believe, for the sake of my faith and soul, that not everything that is useful
is true.
Credit: Francine Van Hove
I aim to embark on a study of the Book
of Mormon, to go deeper both in the text and in myself than I have done in
the past, looking for what is of value, what I can hold on to. I have of
course, the book itself but I’ve also placed a bunch of books on hold at the
library and filled up my podcast queue with episodes on different facets of the
Book of Mormon. I hope that by prayerfully studying not only the source, but
other’s words, I can come to some peace and clarity about who and what to
believe. I am putting my trust in the words of the Lord in the Doctrine
and Covenants, that for those of us who feel like we are lacking
in faith, we may “seek diligently and teach one another words of wisdom; yea,
seek out of the best books words of wisdom; seek learning even by study and
also by faith.” I only hope that when I find myself I will also find that there
is still a place in Mormonism that will welcome me.
