Expectation vs Reality

A quick google search of Expectation vs Reality yields countless videos about the hilarity that exists in the space between what we believe will happen or what we will achieve and what actually occurs. According to these videos, action movies, boyfriends, high school, Halloween costumes, and summer break are just a few of the experiences that fail to live up to the high hopes of the teenage girls who seem to love making these videos.   

Disappointment is the feeling of unhappiness we experience when something doesn’t fulfill or hope or expectation and teenage girls aren’t the only ones who experience this feeling. Parents often experience this "space between."

I recently read a book called, “Parenting With Presence” by Susan Stiffelman. One of the exercises in the book asks the reader to consider their frustrations with parenting and the hidden expectations (and corresponding disappointments) those frustrations derive from. Stiffelman explains,    

“Many times we have trouble being attuned with and present to our child because our vision of raising children doesn’t quite match up to reality. It may even be radically different from what we expected, leaving us disappointed, discourages, or even regretful. None of this means we don’t love our children or that we wish we didn’t have them. It just means that we have feelings we need to face rather than sweeping them under the rug. It is our expectations that get us into trouble.”

This exercise forced me to face some uncomfortable realities of what I expected of myself, my husband and my children. I have been working on discovering and adjusting my expectations. This has been a humbling but rewarding work and has allowed me to practice more grace, mercy and presence with my family and myself.

Even though I’ve been working on improving this area, sometimes my unrealistic expectations still get the better of me. This Sunday I sat in the church foyer with my children as the sacrament was being passed. I was worn out and frustrated by the previous hour which had been spent wrestling church clothes on my two boys. The older one, six years old, had asked me, “Mom, do you know why I’m so slow?” He then answered his own question, “Because I want us to be late for church. I like making you late.”

I sat on the couch thinking about how I expected Sunday morning to proceed: a house filled with soft piano music, delicious pancake and bacon breakfast, children happily getting dressed, and arriving early to sit reverently in our pew. A far cry from the yelling and arguing about the necessity of fresh underpants and how long and boring testimony meeting would be.

Then I started thinking about other, bigger expectations that have gone unfulfilled. Unfair expectations I have about who my children should be and what they should love. Expectations I have for myself, for the church and her members, for my family. I realized with heaviness that the problem with expectations, and why some people say they are the root of all heartache, is that no person or institution is perfect. The experience of mortality is one where, as Paul taught, we all “fall short of the glory of God.” (Romans 3:23) Even our righteousness, he said, is imperfect and leaves us all guilty before God.

Sometime between the bead and the water, while I was feeling this heaviness on my soul, I looked up. On the wall across from me was a picture that will be familiar to anyone who has spent a lot of time in LDS meeting houses. The painting is one of the Savior’s second coming. He is pictured descending in clouds, over a desert, surrounded by trumpet playing angels.  

Here was one who could be trusted to fulfill expectations. We were willing to come to this earth, this place of sin, mistakes, sickness, and heartache, because we expected Jesus Christ would keep his promise to save us. We expected him to suffer, die, and rise again for us. I thought of him, in the garden, with the weight of all our stupidity, all our meanness, our sickness and suffering, when he cried out to God to ask if there was any other way. I imagined, too, the weight of our expectations. Were we there, in heaven, holding our breath, waiting, hoping, and praying for him upon whom our salvation depended?  

And now we wait for the fulfillment of another expectation, that he will come again. As I looked into his face, with his arms outstretched, my heart ached for that day. I remembered a scripture from the the 62nd Psalm: “My soul, wait thou only upon God; for my expectation is from him … Trust in him at all times; ye people, pour out your heart before him: God is a refuge for us.” Here is the one time, the one person, in whom I can safely trust to be true to the expectation of perfect love, mercy, grace, and justice. He will always be there to listen when I call, will always forgive when I stumble, and will always help when I turn to him.

     

For The Momma

Lord, Teach Us to Pray by Ron DiCianni

These words are not mine, but they are just what I needed today. 

Adapted from a post titled: "For The Momma of the Strong Willed Child," on We Are That Family. 

You will survive this hard place.

And most importantly, one day, you will thank God for it.

I’ve learned strong-willed toddlers grow up to be strong-willed teens.

And that’s more than okay. It’s actually a blessing and I wouldn’t change it if I could. Even when saying no means tempers flare or make the meanest mom. I’ll take it.

Listen, I know these strong-willed children are challenging. They push our buttons; they make us question our parenting. We cry and hit our knees.

But they are used by God to transform us.

They show us our humanity, our weakness and mostly how much we need Jesus.

We want our determined, fierce kids to stand up first to us so someday they can stand up against the world.

The beauty of strong-willed children is that they are strong.

They will try and lead and manipulate us; starve and dress themselves and win every argument. Their determination will embarrass and thrill us all in the same day.

We will beg and barter and bribe. We will question every move we make and cringe at every fit. But we will remember that their fierce determination is channeled into velvet strength and these kids who won’t give up their will, also will not give in.

Yes, they chase hard after what they want, but they also chase hard after what’s right.

So, Momma of the strong-willed child pulling out your hair, wondering if you’ll ever be able to eat in public again, be encouraged.

That little one will change the world.

But first, he will change you.

World Breastfeeding Week: Sometimes Breastfeeding Sucks

Hanns Hanner (zugeschr.) "Mutter mit Säugling". 1930's

"A newborn baby has only three demands. They are warmth in the arms of its mother, food from her breasts, and security in the knowledge of her presence." Grantly Dick-Read

I looked forward to the birth of my first son with great anticipation. I read books, watched videos, talked to everyone. I was a little nervous about childbirth, nervous about being a good mom. I worried about how much I would love him and if we would bond. There was a lot to worry about. But I never worried about breastfeeding. The delivery was much better than I anticipated. Our new baby was so beautiful. We fell in love with him immediately.

Then it came time to feed him. I thought this would be no big deal. You whip out your boob, stick the baby on and bam, out comes milk, right? If I had any trouble my mom, a Labor and Delivery nurse who was studying to be a lactation consultant was right there. 

After hours of unsuccessful attempts they sent in the lactation consultant. Still no luck. Turns out a mom with inverted nipples and a tongue tied baby are a bad combination. She got me a pump and suggested I pump and spoon feed so as not to confuse my baby with a different type of nipple until I could get him to breastfeed. She recommended having his tongue clipped before we left the hospital. 

Then came the pediatrician on call. She refused to clip the baby's tongue because she didn't believe that could prevent him from breastfeeding. She also refused to discharge me because my baby still hadn't breastfed. I tried again. And again. Finally, the lactation consultant convinced the doctor to let me go home with a pump and the promise that I would come back and follow up. 

What followed were three months of ecstasy and misery. My baby was perfect: sweet and good nurtured and adorable! I loved every part about being a mom. Every part except breastfeeding. It hurt so much! I cried and cried. I pumped and pumped, hoping that would help alleviate the pain. I pumped until my milk turned pink with blood.   

Finally, after three months we started to figure things out. Feedings went relatively smoothly and we all relaxed. I could hold my little one and gaze at his precious little face the way I had imagined. Breastfeeding was never comfortable, but at least it was endurable.

When I found out I was pregnant with my second son I felt much less worry. I knew what to expect. When my midwife asked be about my fears and concerns I told her, "I'm not nervous about the birth. That part is easy compared to breastfeeding. I am terrified to breastfeed again. I have nightmares about it." 

I tried to prepare. I read up on the literature. I bought booby tubes, nipple cream, teas and supplements, gel pads, special bras and pillows. I was ready and this time I was going to knock this breastfeeding business out of the park.  My midwife and my friends assured me that the second baby would be much easier than the first. 

It was never easy. I believed it was important. Isn't the essential, visible act of mothering being able to feed your own child? 

I couldn't do it. 

This baby was tongue tied too and I begged the pediatrician to clip his tongue. He did so reluctantly, but it didn't help. We went home from the hospital pumping. 

The WIC classes and the lactation consultants didn't help. All the products I bought made things better but none could take away the intense pain of breastfeeding. I was cracked and bleeding and sore. 

Again I turned to pumping. Every two or three hours I repeated the ritual: pump, cry, clean. With grim and obsessive determination I pulled out my pump. How I hated that pump! I dreaded the sound of the suction pulling on my breasts, still tender and raw from the last session. I cried as the milk dripped slowly into the bottles. 

The last straw was the medication I was prescribed to help heal my nipples. The lactation consultant said she hurt just looking at them. I had an allergic reaction to the medicated cream. I couldn't do it any more. 

There were many tears, many prayers, many conversations with those I trust. There was no flash of insight, no grand moment when I came to myself. I slowly came to realize that I was trying too hard to conform to an idea of motherhood that was unrealistic for me. My ideal was getting in the way of creating a meaningful bond with my baby. If I continued what I was doing and feeling I was afraid I would end up resenting him. This tiny, innocent person God had sent to me to love and teach and rear and yes, to feed. 

So I gave up. 

I gave up worrying about if his future academic success would be affected by formula. I gave up worrying what my breastfeeding activist friends would think of me. I gave up feeling like less of a mother. 

I found peace in knowing that I was doing the best I could and that was all my baby wanted. He just wanted to be safe and warm and fed. 

I could do that. 

We all can do that. 

Xi Pan, "Mother and Child," c.2008

Montessori Monday: The Prepared Environment

One of the most basic principles Maria Montessori taught was the "prepared environment." Simply, living space is carefully planned and prepared to meet the needs of all who use it, including the little ones. A prepared environment encourages independent learning and exploration in children.

"The first aim of the prepared environment is, as far as it is possible, to render the growing child independent of the adult"

- M. Montessori, The Secret of Childhood

Why focus on independence? Children develop a sense of inner worth and initiative when they are allowed to explore and do things for themselves. By providing a prepared environment we are telling our children: "You are important in this family. You are a capable person."

Elements of a Prepared Environment:

• Freedom - Is the area safe and accessible?
• Order - Do things have a place?
• Beauty - Does my child's environment deserve respect?
• Nature and Reality - Are there "real" things my child can work with? (Child-size "adult" items)
• Social Environment - Does the environment encourage myself and others to interact with my child?
• Intellectual Growth - Are there opportunities for my child to learn and grow?

We are still working on making our house a prepared environment. Hopefully I'll be able to post some pictures soon. In the meantime here are some examples from others:

Our Montessori Home

Sew Liberated

Peaceful Parenting

World Breastfeeding Week: Part 1

On Sunday I was sitting in the foyer of our church building watching Little E and over heard a conversation between a woman in her early 20s and a middle aged man with a new baby. The conversation went something like this:

Woman: Where's your wife? Is she here today?

Man: She's pumping some milk for the baby.

Woman: Gross! Don't tell me that.

Man: What's gross?

Woman: I don't want to know what your wife does with her boobs.

Man: But, that's what you'll be doing one day if you have kids.

Woman: Maybe, but I won't talk about it.

That got me thinking about how much work there is to educate people about breastfeeding.

In our congregation women leave the worship service or class and go into a little room if they have to breastfeed. Many pump milk or bring formula if they want to stay in the meetings. I when I was breastfeeding I often chose to wear a cover-up or blanket and stay in the meeting while Little E ate. But I was one of the very few women who did so.

While I can see why some people, especially in a conservative Latter-day Saint area wouldn't want to see women exposing themselves all the time, it seems a little excessive to have to "hide" a normal function of life.

Music Together Family Classes

When I was pregnant with Little E. I was fascinated that he would start kicking in response to outside sounds, especially to music. After he was born I continued to observe his love of listening to and making music. Music has a powerful effect on our moods and the atmosphere in our homes and I want Little E. to experience the positive influence good music can have.

When I picked up a flyer for Music Together I was curious. We attended a demo class a few months ago and loved it. I have been doing research on the program and am now a big fan. We are so excited to start attending the weekly family group this fall.



The principles of Music Together are:

1. All children are musical.
   
2. Therefore, all children can achieve basic music competence, which we have defined as the ability to sing in tune and move with accurate rhythm.
   
3. The participation and modeling of parents and caregivers, regardless of their musical ability is essential to a child's musical growth.
   
4. This growth is best achieved in a playful, developmentally appropriate, non performance oriented learning environment that is musically rich yet immediately accessible to the chi's participation.

The things I loved most about the class we attended were the various ages of children and the freedom allowed the children. Family classes include newborns to 5 year old children, all learning and sharing and playing together with their grown-ups. I love the idea that children learn best in a family-like environment where they can learn from those older and teach those younger than they. I also love that the children don't have to follow the teacher, but are allowed to respond to the music however they would like.

If there is a Music Together class near you, I highly recommended it!

Check out their website and blog!

May Book Reviews (part 2 of 2)

Nurture Shock - Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman

The purpose of this book is to explain why many of our most commonly used parenting strategies are backfiring. Using extensive research, the authors cover a wide variety of topics. The writing style is conversational and friendly. I listened to this book on CD, which I highly recommend. The chapters include: Praise, Sleep, Teaching kids about race, Lying, Gifted Testing, Sibling Rivalry, Self Control, Peer Relations, and Early language development.

Baby Giggles - Rachel Hale

We checked out this cute little board book from the library and it is now one of Ethan's favorites. Like most babies, he likes looking at picture of other babies. The pictures are adorable and cover babies with different emotions and situations.

May Book Reviews (part 1 of 2)

Nurturing Good Children Now - Dr. Ron Taffel

I picked up this little gem at a used bookstore in Long Beach at the beginning of the month, thinking it would be good to read on the deck of our cruise ship. I ended up devouring the information. Each chapter focuses on a concept that, if developed, will help kids develop a strong core and withstand destructive influences in our society. My favorite chapters included #1 Mood Mastery: Teach your child to soothe himself in healthy ways that match his temperament; #4 Passion: Protect your child's enthusiasm and love of life; and #6 Focus: Help your child pay attention and to love learning.

Dr. Taffel emphasizes each child's uniqueness and potential. Our job as parents is to provide a strong set of values as a framework, while respecting our children's individual temperaments and learning styles. The author gives us hope that we can (and indeed, must) have a powerful voice in our children's development.

Excerpt from the introduction:

"Given the conflicting messages and demands of our times, how can we make sure our children will turn out to be good solid kids who are strong enough to survive and thrive in the world? Even the parents of very young children increasingly fear that their skills and authority are being challenged by cultural influences outside the family. It used to be that mothers and fathers would focus exclusively on the 'best' parenting technique. Today, they frequently ask a question that reflects their additional concern: 'How can I keep and support my child's goodness in the face of what's going on out there?"

Wild Swans - Jung Chang

My grandmother gave me this book when Dan graduated from his Chinese program. I have hardly been able to put it down and just finished last night. I learned so much about China and the Chinese people. Covering nearly seventy years of volatile history, Wild Swans follows three generations of Chinese women, from the grandmother whose feet were bound and life was sold as a concubine to a powerful war-lord, to the mother who became a powerful communist official, and the daughter who saw everything she loved destroyed by Maoist thought.

I would highly recommend this book to everyone. There is no better way to learn history than through the eyes of those who lived it and this book paints the modern history of China in broad, passionate strokes. I was most moved by the descriptions of the Cultural Revolution, in which almost everything beautiful and praise worthy in China was destroyed. I gained deeper insight into the power of the mind in creating reality, as the Communist propaganda machine told the starving, tortured, war torn country, "Be grateful to live in our communist paradise; feel sorry for those living in the West."

Play Amongst Lovely Things

"The most effective kind of education is that a child should play amongst lovely things" - Plato

Dan and I feel very strongly about plastic toys. For several reasons, we don't like them and we don't want our children to have them. The idea of my sweet little baby playing with unnatural objects just doesn't sit right with me. That said, Ethan has plastic toys, most of which were given to us. In an ideal world, we would be rich enough to buy a few beautiful wooden and cloth toys. (We also feel strongly about kids having too much stuff) As I look forward to that day, here are some beautifully crafted toys from one of the most delightful websites, Bella Luna Toys.

Zac Sunderland

This is probably one of the coolest things I have ever heard. I wish I had learned about this earlier.

The following clip is from the official website:

"Zac is 17 years old, and he is growing up in Southern California. A year and a half ago, he had a dream to sail around the world. It would have been easy to dismiss such a far fetched fantasy, but Zac took his own money, earned like most kids from summer jobs, and bought a 36 foot sailboat. He named his boat Intrepid. His parents had hoped he would find something that would create a fire in him, a passion that would direct him away from all the negative and harmful influences that are so prevalent in our society, but even they were stunned by the scope of his dreams and desires.

Though they first questioned his dream, Zac was not to be deterred, and he worked endless 18 hour days preparing his boat.

In this time of war and historic economic upheaval, here is one young man who has set his mind to a fantastical goal, and stands as a reminder that life is about going forward against great odds and winning.
Zac's dream, a dream of adventure, discovery, and challenge, is one of the simple truths of being human. There is no agenda, no political motivation, just the simple desires of a young man to go exploring, to see new places and meet new people.

It is a simple testament to what is important, to working towards your goals. Most of all, with perseverance and faith in God, anything is possible."


http://www.sailzac.com/

http://www.zacsunderland.com/blog/