Beginning Again

In recent months I have kept my distance from the Book of Mormon, torn between the memories of power, love, and knowledge I found it the book’s pages and the distaste left by my recent faith journey. How does this book, the origins of which have become more, not less, shrouded in mystery, fit into the new narrative of my life. Do I still believe the Book of Mormon to be an actual historical account? If I do, how do I reconcile the many historical inconsistencies and inaccuracies? If I don’t, then does the book still hold any meaning for my current and future spiritual life? Can I trust the product and promises of a prophet whose infallibility in my life has shattered into pieces?

Try as I might, I cannot put these questions to rest. Like my children, they keep me up in the night, asking to be acknowledged, to be fed, to be comforted and held. In my soul I know that these questions, and more, are central to my journey to claim my own Mormonism, my own relationship with God.

Credit: Fairy Tales by Li Zijian

As a child I was immersed in love my mother has for the scriptures, mostly the Book of Mormon. The stories and doctrines of the book were part of our everyday lives. I learned and modeled that love for scripture and consider it one of the most precious gifts my mother has given me. I was the child who, in Sunday School, always knew the answers and could always tell the scripture stories. As I read, learned, and grew, I developed personal relationships with the characters in the scriptures. I loved “likening” the scriptures to my life.  

I arrived at the MTC with scriptures marked, corresponding to the missionary lessons contained in Preach My Gospel, the missionary manual that would become like another book of scripture to me. Through the course of my mission I read and re-read the chapter in Preach My Gospel, “What is the Role of the Book of Mormon?” This chapter explains how the Book of Mormon is not only a powerful witness of Christ and an essential part of an individual's conversion, but that it is literally ‘true’ in every sense of the word. Missionaries challenge investigator to pray to know if the book is ‘true’ and make powerful promises regarding the outcomes of those prayers.

In fact, the text sets up what I now see as a spiritually precarious dichotomy with an excerpt from President Ezra Taft Benson’s book A Witness and a Warning: “Just as the arch crumbles if the keystone is removed, so does all the Church stand or fall with the truthfulness of the Book of Mormon. The enemies of the Church understand this clearly. This is why they go to such great lengths to try to disprove the Book of Mormon, for if it can be discredited, the Prophet Joseph Smith goes with it. So does our claim to priesthood keys, and revelation, and the restored Church. But in like manner, if the Book of Mormon be true—and millions have now testified that they have the witness of the Spirit that it is indeed true—then one must accept the claims of the Restoration and all that accompanies it”   

Faced with such all or nothing declarations from church leaders, what happens when an individual loses faith in some basic truth claims, as I have? Must I necessarily reject everything else about the gospel that I love? Does the whole value of the Book of Mormon rest on its literality? I fear this is a dilemma many face today. We were taught, as Armand Mauss explained in his book The Angel and the Beehive, “to take a literal, proof-texting approach to scripture study, and to believe that loyalty means blind acceptance of whatever leaders have ever preached.” This leaves us, Brother Mauss believed, “highly susceptible to disillusionment, either from anti-Mormon critic in other religions or from secular sources. For people taught to think this way, each new anomaly discovered … becomes a crisis of faith.”

As I ponder these questions of truth and value, I am reminded of an article by President Boyd K. Packer in the journal BYU Studies, “The Mantle is Far, Far Greater Than the Intellect,” often used by critics to illustrate their perception of the church’s suppression of honest inquiry. In the article President Packer shares his belief that, “There is a temptation for the writer or the teacher of Church history to want to tell everything, whether it is worthy or faith promoting or not. Some things that are true are not very useful.” I have never felt comfortable with this position as it seems to contradict other church teachings about the supreme importance of truth in our eternal journey toward exaltation. I have turned this idea over and over in my mind and finally settled on a subtle but radical reordering of President Packer’s sentiment. I have to believe, for the sake of my faith and soul, that not everything that is useful is true.

Credit: Francine Van Hove

I aim to embark on a study of the Book of Mormon, to go deeper both in the text and in myself than I have done in the past, looking for what is of value, what I can hold on to. I have of course, the book itself but I’ve also placed a bunch of books on hold at the library and filled up my podcast queue with episodes on different facets of the Book of Mormon. I hope that by prayerfully studying not only the source, but other’s words, I can come to some peace and clarity about who and what to believe. I am putting my trust in the words of the Lord in the Doctrine and Covenants, that for those of us who feel like we are lacking in faith, we may “seek diligently and teach one another words of wisdom; yea, seek out of the best books words of wisdom; seek learning even by study and also by faith.” I only hope that when I find myself I will also find that there is still a place in Mormonism that will welcome me.         

The Power of Remembering

In a church with a lay ministry, every Sunday is an adventure. Like that famed box of chocolates, you never know what you are going to get. Usually the sermons are repetitions of General Conference addresses or recaps of scripture stories. Occasionally you get a politically or socially charged topic or a speaker who goes completely off the “safe” script and delves into life details that most would keep private. To those who, like me, may have tender feelings close to the surface, church attendance can be more of a spiritual minefield that a chocolate tasting.

Yesterday, I sat in the pew with my children as we usually do. We sang the hymns, listened to the prayers, took the bread and water. I tried to help them sit quietly while trying to listen to the speakers myself. Our ward had a full program with three youth speakers and two adults. Things went smoothly and predictably through talks of scripture heroes and a sermon on agency. When the last speaker got up, he had only 10 minutes left and hurriedly worked to condense his planned talk, a rendition of a General Conference talk, “Choose the Light.”      

One of the challenges we face, said the speaker, was that of living in the information age where so much is available on the internet. Deciding what is true and uplifting can be difficult. There are those who seek to destroy faith by publishing and sharing criticisms of church policy and past and present leaders. Most of their information is false, especially the claims about how the church uses tithing funds and the claims about things Joseph Smith did. The people publishing this information hide behind the anonymity of the internet and their words are given more import than they should. But, if our faith is strong, if we pray and read our scriptures enough, we will not be overcome by the darkness.  

My first reaction was to feel resentful and insulted. The implications of this brother’s words was that I don’t know what I’m talking about when I have legitimate concerns with policy, doctrine,and history or that I am willfully seeking to destroy faith. He suggested that maybe I just wasn’t praying enough or didn’t have enough faith and that I was being deceived.

He doesn’t know, I thought angrily. He doesn’t know how much I have prayed, coming close to praying without ceasing at times. I have continued to pray when the answers are slow to come. He doesn’t know the time I have spent studying, seeking to find comforting answers, only to come up empty handed. He doesn’t know how hard it is for me to come to church some Sundays when the only thing that gets me in the pew is a desperate desire to believe and a spiritual conviction of where my Heavenly Parents want be to be.

Then I looked up, through watery eyes and saw my bishop. He looked right at me and smiled with immense gentleness. Because he knows me and our family, I think he could guess how the speaker’s words were affecting me. I’m not sure what he would have said to me if we hadn’t been across the room, but he didn’t need to say anything. In his eyes and his smile, for a moment, I felt peace knowing that at least one person knew who I was and loved me just as I am.

I quickly looked away to hide a tear. I thanked God for the moment and asked him to help me to love others this way. I remembered the words of the sacrament hymn we had sung just a few minutes earlier. I thought of the sacrament prayer, and my covenant to always remember the sacrifice of my Savior. I remembered His words, in the midst of pain, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.”  

I am so far from perfect and make countless mistakes. I am deeply humbled by and indebted to the sacrifice that cleanses me from my sins and makes me new again. I have never known the weight of injustice that our Savior experienced. I have so little to forgive. I needed strength though, help to let go of the pride that told me I was justified in offence. I needed power to turn my heart soft, allowing it to be bruised and healed and bruised again. 

I looked up at the speaker and thought, you know what, he doesn’t know. His lived experience is all he knows. He doesn’t know me or the others like me. The resentment and frustration from feeling misunderstood and misrepresented in such a public forum melted away. As I remembered Jesus Christ and my covenant to try to emulate Him, I was filled with a love and gentle peace beyond my own. 

A mild voice whispered to me, "This is grace. This is Christ's power to change who you are and make you like Him. It happens like this, one small step, one small change a time."

Question Everything

Terry Tempest Williams, quoted in Mormon Women Essential Writings.

Faith and Doubt

Redeemed by Kelly O'Neill

“I have a lot of faith. But I am also afraid a lot, and have no real certainty about anything. I remembered something Father Tom had told me—that the opposite of faith is not doubt, but certainty. Certainty is missing the point entirely. Faith includes noticing the mess, the emptiness and discomfort, and letting it be there until some light returns.”

- Anne Lamott

7 Christian Thinkers Who Wrestled With Doubt

Quote: Healing

Healing by Shira Sela

"You can't go through a traumatic experience, 

return to life as usual and expect to eventually heal. 

You must pay respect to the event in a way that resonates with your spirit 

or it remains forever wounded. 

Ignoring is a complete dismissal of what happened 

and frankly it's disrespectful. 

But I would encourage you not to just be content to heal either. 

Step into your power and be empowered. 

Then go forward and give others permission to do the same. 

It is the ultimate way to honor your wounds." 

Holly Bowerman
hopehealempower.com

Pretty Pebbles: 11/30/14

source

Why Did Adam Name the Animals Without Eve?
"I think God preparing Adam in such a manner also hints that Eve was always supposed to be the first one to choose to leave the garden. Eve, the one who would bear the burden of bringing souls into the world, the one who would suffer nigh unto death to bring new life, would have to be the one who first made the decision. Adam making that decision first would be a sort of unrighteous dominion--he'd be making a commitment for Eve's body that she should rightly make for herself. Eve needed to be the first, and Adam needed to follow."

The Real Cost of a World-Wide Church
"If I am truly to take my baptismal covenants seriously, I am entrusted with bearing the burdens of my brothers and sisters, even if those burdens originate in a land far away. This experience made me realize the real cost of an international church: Disasters and wars no longer happen to distant people far removed from us, they happen to our people. The world’s fate is our fate because our people are everywhere in it. The price is not money, but comfort. Our hearts must collectively expand to hold everyone’s burdens."

Beard Ban at Mormon Schools Getting Stricter

Both Feet Forward (Video)
(Text)
"Am I celebrating weakness? Yes! The Lord said:
I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them. [Ether 12:27]'
Clearly, weakness and the recognition of it, the humility that follows, and the application of faith in Christ are essential to our eternal progression. Weakness is also the key to authenticity."

The Answer to All the Hard Questions
"Perhaps. Truth isn't always obvious, particularly when it has to compete with alternatives presented in attractive packages. Often we understand the truth only in part, while the whole remains yet to be learned. And in the learning, we face the uncomfortable prospect of abandoning imperfect but heretofore comforting understandings. But trusting that God has all the answers, that He loves us, and that He will answer all our questions—in His way, on His timetable—can simplify our searching. It may not always be easy, but simply trusting in God’s counsel can safely steer us through clouds of confusion."

Many Mormons Are Unaware of the Messy Details
"Other Mormons, however, have downplayed the novelty of the information contained in these essays. They have argued that the LDS Church has never intentionally hidden this information and that Mormons have a responsibility to study their own history (see here, here, and here). Thus, they blame the Mormon rank and file themselves for their ignorance on these matters.
These arguments, however, stand in contrast to statements made by faithful and well-respected Mormon historians ... Placing the blame on the members themselves also ignores the fact that Mormons who publicly discussed the messier details of polygamy and other historical issues have often been marginalized and sometimes even excommunicated by Church leaders in the not-so-distant past."

God Knows the Desires of Your Heart 
"I know that God is aware of each of us. Even in the times when things don't seem fair, or life doesn't turn out how we imagined, I just want you to know that He sees you. He hears your prayers and knows the desires of your heart and, often in ways you never dreamed of,  He will make them happen... promise."

A Lesbian Mormon Perspective